20 weeks pregnant!

I haven’t been very open with my readers about trying to conceive or finding out I was indeed pregnant. The first trimester was rough with morning sickness and being nauseous all day long. I was relieved that I wasn’t vomiting every few hours like I did with my first pregnancy, but it was still rough. The first few weeks of my second trimester, the nausea started going away and a few new symptoms crept in.

The first was extreme fatigue. I was literally a walking hazard because even after 7-8 hours of sleep, it felt like I had none. There was even an incident while I was driving where I drove in the wrong lane of traffic and didn’t even notice until there was a car directly in front of me, stopped.. waiting for me to get out of the way. As I turned out of the intersection, I wondered why that car was sitting there.. It didn’t dawn on me until two lights later when I realized I was the one in the wrong lane. After that day, I started going to bed way earlier than I already had been. Instead of crawling into bed at 8 pm, I started going to bed at 6 pm. It made a huge difference. I’m still tired, but not at a dangerous level.

The second symptom that slowly crept up was depression. I have had bouts of depression throughout my lifetime, some worse than others. But this feeling of depression was so different. In the beginning, it was a dim light on my personality for days at a time. I could still smile and be with my friends, but in the back of my mind, I was sad. I went to my doctor and told her that I was having this sad feeling that I couldn’t shake. I wondered if I should get back on my anti-depressant or if the medicine was worse for the baby than the sadness was. She started me on a low dose of an anti-depressant and then after a week, put me back on the dose I had been taking before I was pregnant. Not long after that, the sadness grew. I would cry all the time, in front of my husband or alone. I would regret making the decision to become pregnant. I would get scared because I felt everyone was against me and that I couldn’t do this alone. If I was alone and I started to cry, my baby would start to move around and wouldn’t stop until I did. I don’t know if I was upsetting her or if she was trying to remind me why I became pregnant in the first place. If my husband or daughter were around, they would hug me and tell me it’s okay, that things will get better. And slowly, my happiness started to come back. It didn’t come back all at once and it definitely hasn’t returned fully. I still have days where I break down and can’t remember why I decided to go this route at this point in my life. But then one smile, one hug, one kick from my new baby and everything feels right again.

I think pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me, but I’m halfway done! The back pain is going to get worse and I’m sure there will be days when I feel like I can’t take anymore, but I just have to remember what I will get at the end of this journey. I will have not one, but two beautiful daughters and a wonderful husband that reminds me of how fantastic I am even when I don’t feel that I am.

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