I’m surprised at how suddenly it hit me.
All this time I’ve been struggling, thinking my husband had changed. Wondering why my anxiety medicine isn’t working, confused as to why I don’t find joy and comfort in my family anymore. Always wanting to be alone, isolated, free from daily life. Today it finally hit me. The two words that no mother ever wants to admit. The words that as soon as you say them out loud immediately make you feel crazy. They make you feel numb, like you’ve done something wrong as a mother, partner and friend.
For weeks, I’ve been wondering what changed in our marriage, and all this time, it was that simple. The loneliness felt with postpartum depression can be overwhelming. The silence as one sits alone in pain can be deafening. On the other hand, you could be sitting in a loud crowded room and hear nothing. It can be hard to smile when you feel so much sadness inside. It’s hard to say “I’m good” when you’re so desperate for help. Sometimes you wish someone could see it, so you wouldn’t have to pretend to be strong anymore. I’ve bottled it up for so long, ever since the birth of my child three months ago. It’s become a way of life.
I have postpartum depression. I had to say it out loud and it all started to become clear. All of the grief I’ve felt, all of the sleepless nights, tears and broken communication was because of me. It wasn’t because of my husband. And thinking of how I’ve hurt him by ignoring his pain makes it all worse.
While I’m still getting up and going to work, and taking care of my children, and waking up each and every morning, my spirits are dull. Everything and everyone around me blend together in a haze. As hard as it was to do, I picked up the phone this morning and called my doctor so I could start the journey of putting myself back together.
My husband and I aren’t fine. We aren’t in the best place. But because I realized what was going on, we’re going to make it. We love each other and we don’t want to live a life without each other. I contemplated for a long time about whether I should post this or not, but in the end, my experiences may help someone else out there and that is what is most important.
I was a different person before this pregnancy and I intend to get back to that place where I was happy and free.
If anyone out there is feeling depressed, please go get help. Whether it’s postpartum depression or not, everyone deserves to be happy and feel the best that they can.